Sharing my stories with the world

Welcome to my personal blog

Sharing my stories with the world


Don't let your pain define you,rise above it

I don’t allow people to disrespect me. I used to get yelled at a lot as a child that followed with beatings and knew what was going to happen next as I waited to receive my punishment and now whenever I get yelled at I have to leave the room because now my instinct is to fight back,I will never allow a person to belittle me...ever again. Embarrassment fills me when I fear the worst I shouldn’t have to feel that way ever. I will forgive that person but in that moment it’s the hardest as my heart turns ice cold,I always say to not let your past define you,but when you’re abused,to an extreme amount it's a fight or flight situation programmed into my brain and I can’t stop it,I am working on it,but I am far from allowing it to define my actions. You will say well that's no excuse,however I know my response system well enough to know when I need to leave a room. I am a blunt person when I am upset or hurt. I know some people can’t handle the truth so you know what I do instead,I leave,instead of hurting that person even though I had just allowed them to hurt me,but in that moment I am strong enough to say no not today,sorry call me when you get over it. I won’t be the person you inflict your pain on..because I have always been the reciprocal of pain for whatever reason and I have to tell you I am so sick of it,so what I do is walk away,from any negative situation because no matter what I say it will just make it worse I will not be the person to feed your fire,yet be the ice that cools your ass down.

 

 

The worst possible reaction to a yeller is to mirror their behavior. Things do not go well if you yell at someone who is yelling at you. The situation escalates when both people engage in yelling. There are other reactions that can escalate the situation which should also be avoided and include: baiting the yeller, challenging what they are saying, acting defensive, and criticizing the person during the confrontation. (the best thing to do is walk away,until you feel comfortable enough to address the situation)

 

 

 


Craving your attention


s.o.s

 

I think many of us at one point had pleaded for help,our minds just can’t comprehend the horrors of the world,and maybe our defense mechanism is to run,flee,instead of face,and once we face the things that terrorize us we can begin to move forward from the darkness,yet we become so incredibly vulnerable to it. If we can face it,if we can make it through these times we could become so incredibly strong from our past if you just never allowed it to define who you are. Who you surround yourself with,who you ideally choose to have in your life is what your outcome will be. Shed off your armour for that was always the other man's fight. What is your destiny? What are your choices? What do you want to change? Don’t look down at the other man. We live in a society that shoves their ideas into our face at a constant,turning into a vicious cycle of self-loathing atrocitie. What kind of life is that? We agree amongst ourselves and have to follow this sort of rule of thumb because it would be out of the Norm for people to dislike what others tend to enjoy. What is so wrong with being different? I once had a conversation with a person who once asked her dad what music he liked and he said “oh I enjoy listening to Lady GaGa and Katy Perry..” “so like,mainstream music?” the girl asked,her father replied” oh,no no!!!!! I wouldn’t say MainStream” he said in a tone of voice that seemed as though he didn’t like that she was categorizing him into one thing,and that's exactly what it was. So why do we care so much,what others think? Is liking Mainstream music really SO bad? You like what you like man. You can’t force people to like you for who you are,you can’t get them to agree with you on what you like. The more closed off you are as a person,I can say this you’re not going to get very far with people at all and it’s important to build relationships with people to learn,because if we aren’t learning from people we will never progress. If we never learn we only stoop to the lowest version of ourselves,and we're here to progress to change,to become soldiers in this life so that no matter what life threw at us at one point we would get past it even better than the last time.It gets easier,not in the sense that life gets easier,those hardships get a lot harder,but your mind starts to get adjusted to this is how life is,and you just have to accept it,and appreciate your life for what it is,no one has it easier,and no one has it harder,everything we all go through is the same emotionally,you’re no better than anyone and surly no one is better than you,we all know absolutely nothing which is why we need to be open minded,and open our hearts to learning more about each other.


who are you?

After accepting where I am at in my life and after appreciating where I was and had been in order to get where i am at mentally today,I have noticed a huge change in myself.

 

I have for years...many many years lived my life trying to prove people that I can do things. For years I have accepted criticism from people,especially from my family. I realized in order to change my life I had to only accept how I did things. People are always going to have their own ideas and agenda about what you should do with your life,but you are in control and that's what has made me happier. I have to make my own mistakes,no matter what people say to me,what they believe,I am not them.... I have to go through my own experiences and deal with it the best way I deem suitable. I have made a lot of mistakes,and I have hurt a lot of people,but they have also made mistakes and have also hurt me. Were not perfect beings it’s just how it goes,and at this point in my life I need support,just like I support those people. I am a good person,and what I deserve I will receive,as long as I keep doing my best,and no matter how badly people will hurt me I have to remember to not take it personally,and just pray that their soul is changing,but that isn’t my life and what goes around comes around,always remember that. You don’t need vengeance,karma happens to everyone,and just because I am a good person doesn’t mean I am perfect,the world will decide if I need to be punished or not depending on the situation. We all get what we deserve,and we all never make it out alive anyways. I suppose it’s why I have chose a different life path and I am so glad I did honestly,I may have saved my life,because I needed to see with an open heart,and a mature mind. So,for all you out there who feel like the world is against you,it’s not,the world is giving you signals and signs that it’s time to change.... And through this process you become who you’re meant to be. It’s going to be hell,and it will feel like you’re going through hell,but I promise you it gets better..it truly does,stay strong minded,and no matter what happens to you,never allow it to define who you are,you’re so much more than what you see.


Acceptance

I was stuck in the why for a long time. Trying to figure out why someone would do something or why I would do something. When In reality it’s simple,it is what it is.People are going to be people,none of us are perfect.We have the freedom of choice to care about others.Its important to remember that others have this choice to.its one of the beauties in life. CHOICE!

Iv’e been learning to accept people for who they are without judgment and owning my individuality.Most people are not out there trying to purposefully hurt you.Some people are so wrapped up in their own world,they may not see how some things can even affect you.There’s times where you maybe confused And not know what to care about. Just believe in yourself and stay true to your heart and know you’ve learned throughout the process.Not one thing someone says or does can change who you are. You may feel like you don’t like the person you were being or are,but then you realize it was all part of the journey and you know what I’ve learned is inside you. Be confident in yourself that everything will be okay. No matter how dramatic something may seem,it all comes to an end when you say I despise not to pursue this rabbit hole of emotions anymore.I take things as they are without having to figure it all out at once. Trust yourself. Being present in the moment is a blessing,everyday we are given the opportunity to live and do our very best. Think about what you can control and make the most of it. You’ll start to notice the little things don’t matter so much when you are living in your own reality where anything with Love and compassion is possible. Do your best to be you and not let your surroundings and past dictate your life.your in control of your destiny and happiness,with the right mindset anything is possible ❤️


Just a damaged generation

 

Are we a damaged generation? I had to do a report for my school about how our generation is obsessed with getting likes. How we have become so consumed by validation,everyone craves attention,a need to feel accepted,a need to feel beautiful,popular. Everyone wants that 5 mins of fame. The reason we need validation is because we have a hard to accepting who we are,but it's funny because once you do accept yourself for who you are,more people are going to come flocking to you,know your faults,your flaws and continue to do your best everyday. I am still trying to learn this myself,it’s not easy to accept yourself as well as it is for others and sometimes I don’t understand why that is.I have found that it gets harder and harder to actually communicate to people as they look continually at their phone like how rude you spend time with people to communicate to them if they wanna speak to their other friends they should talk to them after hanging out with you. Maybe I am the only one who thinks this way,wishing so badly to be able to just connect with people on a much deeper level than most. Most people say that I am pretty deep,and that's true I am but at least I feel..that's more than I could say for this generation. That's why the drug culture got so big everyone wants to mask their pain,when pain needs to be felt in order to grieve and move on,feelings are overrated. For a person like me who feels so much it hurts,because I can’t connect to this generation. You feel connected yet so very alone because were only connected by what we like,or what we're into and it's only scratching the very surface of who we are. Don’t you want more then that? Don’t you want a real friend,to have the ability to trust anyone with the more information you give someone because once you start dropping your walls you will start to see something new inside of you.


Reactions

I miss it I miss being a kid. I miss having a initial reaction to things. If you have gotten this far in your journey though you’re making progress. Now when things don’t go according to plan or if someone cancels plans on me I don’t freak out. I let them have their reaction and as they wait for mine I feel sorry that they even need a reaction to know that I care. I miss getting worked up over things I haven’t had that feeling in a long time, maybe it’s because of what I have been through. I just am not surprised anymore I have seen good and bad things happen and by bad things I mean severely bad things, my rose colored glasses have been removed and I see the world for how it is. Things happen or they don’t, there is a beautiful saying I live by and it works. “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” Since living by this I have found peace in myself, now when things go sideways I just watch how people react. Not to say I don’t miss it though however I have found a peace of mind, I found out how to stay Zen although not easy it is possible and if you’re searching how to attain this peace it is quite simple. Ask yourself do I really need to get worked up over this? Do I really need to feed the person who wants a reaction? Does this help you? In order to obtain peace you must learn that people feed off our energy let them be mad but don’t let them make you mad don’t allow them to get under your skin don’t allow them to scare you. Stay strong and stand your ground half the time people will realize they over reacted and if they really need to get a reaction out of you to feel better about themselves what kind of person does that make them? They just now made you feel bad, this now allowed them to put poison in your life. Don’t give them what they want because those people are only looking to hurt you. 


love

It’s weird isn’t to feel lost without someone, we become so co-dependent on people that We start to build our homes within these people and it’s probably the biggest mistake you can make as a human. It’s so important to know who you are to be okay with being alone. In this generation it’s becoming harder and harder to have relationships these days and I’ll be honest with you I highly believe it’s because of our access to more options. It becomes easy to seek another relationship thinking we will be treated better. My grandparents have been together for 60 years and they are still happy together, I had one day became curious and asked them how do you guys stay in love? My grandpa took a deep breath and looked at my grandma before deciding what to say,and this was his answer; we’ve been through a lot at together but when you love someone truly you never ever leave them even when you’re unhappy because there will be days when you don’t agree, there will be days when you are happy and they are not.  People tend to think that true love is a fairy tale and although sometimes it feels that way it’s not always easy. It takes work, a lot of work, it takes putting that person before yourself. The bible explains love the best way which I hope will seep through you 1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

 


poison

You can't change how people view you,people make accusations. They will make thier own opionion of you it maybe good,it maybe bad,but that is just it. They are opinions,not facts. Even I have opinions of myself,that others don't agree with.I have learned to have more good opinions though,the more we fear the more likely it will become. It goes with that saying put good out in the world to recieve it back. I highly believe that whatever we feel,whatever we think,it will be. Always stay positive through things,it's easy to say well this may not work out,this may not be good for me. You know what you just did? you set yourself up for failure,in your relationship,in your friendships,you just put poison in your life. You have to try and by trying you have to feed yourself positivity. I get that its easier to think ill of situations because you think you're not hurting yourself by already "seeing the future" by feeding yourself bad opinions you create bad situations for yourself. This is probably the biggest thing I have learned in life.Not all people are the same and no matter how badly people have hurt you,it doesn't mean others will do the same. Always be above the poison,if someone has done you wrong,if someone has lied,if someone has said something nasty,don't be like them. Just because someone has hurt you doesn't give you the right to hurt them back be the better person. I can't strain that enough honestly,you will feel better by doing your best in anything that you do. If something doesn't work out hey it's okay better luck next time,never give up. 

We all struggle with having good intentions we need to act on those intentions in order to be better people. Always hold love in your heart,always hold forgivness because people will hurt you in this life,but don't let that pain become you,you are so much more then a person who had a rough day and decided you were the one they had to take it out on. Half the time people are angry is because a number of things went wrong,or they are angry with themselves,keep being the better person no matter what and life will reward you.


dreams

we are told at a very young age to have dreams,to always dream big and work hard.  This is a hard thing to do when your mind sets you back. You can be your own worst enemy or you can be your best friend,its hard to learn how to work with yourself, this is still something I am working on. I remember when I would always be late to class,cause I didn't want to come to school without make up on,cause for some reason I was ashamed of myself and then became ashamed for being late,I knew I could do better,because I am a perfectionist and if you don't know what a perfectionist is here it is ( For perfectionists, life is an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. It's a fast and enduring track to unhappiness, and perfectionism is often accompanied by depression and eating disorders. What makes perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, so theirs is a negative orientation. And love isn't a refuge; in fact, it feels way too conditional on performance. Perfection, of course, is an abstraction, an impossibility in reality, and often it leads to procrastination. There is a difference between striving for excellence and demanding perfection. The need for perfection is usually transmitted in small ways from parents to children, some as silent as a raised eyebrow over a B rather than an A) I am probably the biggest judge of myself because it was how I was taught to survive if it isn't the best it isn't perfect,no praise,no reward. For years I never understood why I would let something like being late be such a set back for me. Now for all my perfectionist out there! listen to this advice and listen well. Not all things are going to go the way you plan,you will never get 1st place all the time,you will be wrong sometimes and thats okay,learn to take advice from all ages,Learn that even if you fail you can do better,always be your best self,and no matter what always have a good attitude about what you're trying to accomplish. The road to success is mostly faliure anyways,lifes about trying,always try! because then you know you're giving your best,it's all about time.


Do you ever feel ugly?

I think everyone at one point in their life feels ugly. Sometimes you will catch yourself looking in the mirror and pick out flaws about yourself. I try to stay positive though because I have learned that things you don't like about yourself other people do, in fact half the time it's why they are attracted to you. The reason people rate you I have no idea in fact I think its extremly shallow of people,not everyone would agree with me though. I think what is "ugly" to people means that they just aren't attracted to you in anyway,and it's not that you're ugly. When I was younger I was told by a boy that I was ugly and I didn't want to believe it at first but another guy said it to,now to this day I am extremely self concious! always be careful what you say to people you don't know how deeply it will effect them and just because 2 people out of 7 billion didn't find me attractive I took it to heart,and later on in life... people now compliment me. So you see if anyone ever calls you,or if you ever feel ugly their are people out there who will find you beautiful. All that matters is the agreement you make with yourself. If you can't take anything from this post atleast leave with this,the next time you aren't attracted to someone don't say that they are ugly because someone else may find them beautiful,just say you're not attracted plain and simple as that. 


What part of you are you feeding?

There are good and bad parts to what make you who you are as a person. The natives would call this your good wolf or bad wolf,the good representing joy,peace,love,hope,humility,kindness,empathy,and truth. Where the bad represents anger,jealousy,resentment,lies,and ego. I have to be honest with you I fed the bad wolf the most because it was easier to feed that wolf.This is where the word success comes into play;you can't be successful in life if you don't try. No matter how far people push us down these rabbit holes we are trying,but that doesn't mean you're giving it your best. If you want to give life your best you have to try harder. They push you? so what shove back harder,stop feeling sorry for yourself because pity only gets you a pillow with mascara marks,netflix re-runs and my favorite a whole lot of carby foods. What you feed you become,the people we surround ourselves with,the situations we put ourselves in;you hold the power. Some people feel like they don't need to change how they act negativly. Let me tell you something I have never in my life met a successful person who was negative.

Today,I want you to take this with you; you're going into war just as you always do,you decide how big your goals are,give more,give more heart,and give more courage,because you will recieve more reward.

There is nothing you can't do,only you can decide what is possible for you. 

BE FEARLESS 


Time for another start

 

Earlier today as I was writing in my journal I realized as theraputic as it was for me to jot down my feelings about how I wanted to become better in life,about how I wanted to become a better person by helping others I figured that I could write a personal blog. For years people have been telling me to get on a blog because of my passion for writing. Before I really get into this you're probably thinking.... well what makes you so special what makes you think that you're good enough to help others? I have gone through a lot,and I am not saying other people aren't as well but my experiences have helped me over come many new obstacles,I want to share what Ive come to learn,because maybe you're a little lost right now or maybe you feel alone,or maybe you don't think your problems matter. I want to inspire you,to give you tools to help you through depression or whatever you maybe going through.